694 Quotes by David Sedaris

Every so often my life will feel like a story. It doesn’t have to be a big thing; in fact, most often, it’s just the opposite.

I don’t like travelling if I know I have to write about it.

Standing in a two-hour line makes people worry that they’re not living in a democratic nation. People stand in line for two houres and they go over the edge.

You haven’t lived until you’ve sailed.

If you don’t think a mental patient has the right to bring a sawed-off shotgun to the church where his ex-girlfriend is getting married, you’re part of the problem.

I had to wrestle daily with both my inadequacy and my uncontrollable jealousy. I didn’t want to kill her, but hoped someone else might do the job for me.

It’s safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won’t be able to smoke anywhere in America.

I didn’t know about the rest of the class, but when Bastille Day eventually rolled around, I planned to stay home and clean my oven.

Whenever I write about my family, I start by getting my parent’s approval. I like to think I write about them with obvious affection. When it comes to the people I’m related to, I consider myself to be very lucky.