694 Quotes by David Sedaris

I think it’s good to have the alone time. Well, I kind of have to, because I have to be alone in order to work, so I have alone time. And then I go on tour and I have being-around-people time.

What can you say about the family who is suing the railroad after their drunk son was killed walking on the tracks? Trains don’t normally sneak up on people. Unless they’ve derailed, you pretty much know where to find them.

Something has changed, and now, when I look at my students, I see only people who are going to eat up my time.

Time is cruel to everything but seems to have singled out eyeglasses for special punishment. What looks good now is guaranteed to embarrass you twenty years down the line, which is, of course, the whole problem with fashion.

Low ceiling, stone walls, a dirt floor stamped with paw prints. I never go in without announcing myself. ‘Hyaa!’ I yell. ‘Hyaa. Hyaa!’ It’s the sound my father makes when entering his toolshed, the cry of cowboys as they round up dogies, and it suggests a certain degree of authority. Snakes, bats, weasels – it’s time to head up and move on out.

There are lots of things that happen to me that I don’t write about.

Half the people I know have dead animals in their freezers: reptiles, birds, mammals. Is that normal?

All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I’m afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints.

When I taught, a lot of my students weren’t big readers, so they would write something and I realized that they thought it belonged in a book. Like, they didn’t know what the inside of a book looked like, you know what I mean?