694 Quotes by David Sedaris

Most of the blame goes to the director, who seems to have picked up her staging secrets from the school’s crossing guard.

And he always has a fantastic body, shown at its best on the cross, which – face it – was practically designed to make a man’s stomach and shoulders look good.

She paused, and I took the opportunity to practice the only promotional skill at my disposal: fluttering my fingers over the telephone’s mouthpiece, I attempted to cast a spell, silently chanting, It’s me who you want. Me, me, me.

But at the end of every show we would realize that true happiness often lies where you very least expect it. It might arrive in a form of a gentle breeze or a handful of peanuts, but when it came, we would seize it with our own brand of folksy wisdom.

I haven’t got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.

In my experience, it was hard to write without your preferred tools, but impossible to write without a cigarette.

This town is the Greek Baltimore.

What brought us together was a love of nature, or, more specifically, of catching things and unintentionally killing them.

She just happens to be my father, young man, and I’d appreciate it of you’d show her a little respect.