694 Quotes by David Sedaris

To be fair, he had never actually promised to be monogamous. That was my idea, and though I tried my hardest to convert him, the allure of other people was just too great.

Love seemed all the sweeter when it was misunderstood, condemned by the outside world.

My feet are completely flat, but for most of my life they were still shaped like feet. Now, thanks to bunions, they’re shaped more like states, wide boring ones that nobody wants to drive through.

When young, the animals were sweet. Then one day they became moody and violent, like human teenagers.

But I’m a humorist. I’m not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter.

I don’t like to read anything on the radio for the very first time, because I don’t have any notion of a reaction. When I read it out loud, then I get an idea of that, and more of an idea of how to read.

While the builders worked on the cottage, Hugh lived in what used to be the stable but was later converted into a guesthouse, the kind you’d have if you wanted to either discourage guests or contain them in one spot while slowly depressing them to death.

Another thing I love about the beach is sitting in the sun, mainly for the lazy kind of talk it generates. A person can say anything with lotion on, and I’m more than willing to listen.

For to witness majesty, to find yourself literally touched by it – isn’t that what we’ve all been waiting for?