694 Quotes by David Sedaris

I can’t remember the last time I’ve enjoyed silence in an American theater. It’s easy to believe that our audiences spend the day saying nothing, actually saving their voices for the moment the picture begins.

I don’t think my life is more interesting than anybody else’s.

September 12, 2001 Paris Last night on TV I watched people jump from the windows of the World Trade Center.

The problem isn’t gaining weight, it’s gaining it in the right place.

Honestly, though, does choice even come into it? Is it my fault that the good times fade to nothing while the bad ones burn forever bright?

If you read an essay in Esquire and don’t like it, there could be something wrong with the essay. If it’s in The New Yorker, on the other hand, and you don’t like it, there’s something wrong with you.

When they’re born outside, crows come and pluck their eyes out.

The writers she prefers are long dead and are on the wordy side. If the novel on the sofa is 700 pages long, and the author photo is an engraving, it’s either hers or Hugh’s.

Oh, for Christ’s sake,? I hear. ‘Can we please just try to have a good time?’ This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn’t work. I’ve tried it.