694 Quotes by David Sedaris

It didn’t seem fair to me that Jon Stewart’s rally didn’t get the same kind of attention that Glenn Beck’s did. Why was Beck’s seen as checking the thermometer of the country, and Jon Stewart just dismissed as a satirist?

You have how many children in your family?” the teacher would ask. “I’m guessing you must be Catholic, am I right?

Occasionally I’d tune in to a music station, but I always preferred the sound of people talking, even if the subject was something I didn’t care about.

The part of my plan that made old people uncomfortable, that exposed them for the bigots they were – and on a Sunday! – still appealed to me.

You’re not supposed to talk about your good deeds, I know. It effectively negates them and in the process makes people hate you.

The position was offered at the last minute, when the scheduled professor found a better-paying job delivering pizza.

This is where my mom and dad were the night Martin Luther King was assassinated,” I said to Hugh after we had ordered. “Not here at the airport, obviously, but at their original location downtown.” I told him how someone had stepped out of the kitchen to announce the news, and how everyone but my parents had applauded. “Our family hadn’t been in the South very long, and that was a real eye-opener.

It was the stupidest thing the cat had ever heard of, an AA program in prison.

Angels, she said, were God’s way of saying howdy.