694 Quotes by David Sedaris

One of the things we laughed about was an old episode of The Newlywed Game. The host asked the wives, “What’s the most exotic place you’ve ever made love?” He was likely expecting “The kitchen” or “On a tennis court at night,” but one woman didn’t quite understand the question and answered, “In the butt.

The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I’ve discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, “I want to love, I want to live...

Well, think about it,” he said. “Exposing yourself to a girl is one thing. Doing it to a boy, though – the guy would have to be perverted.

At first, writing for The New Yorker was very scary to me. I couldn’t imagine anything that I would write in that typeface.

In my book, if you want to be treated like an old person, you have to look like one. That means no face-lift, no blond hair, and definitely no fishnet stockings.

I always think it’s a good policy to like the people who like you.

I said that Santa no longer traffics in coal. Instead, if you’re bad he comes to your house and steals things.

Things began to come together, and I went from speaking like an evil baby to speaking like a hillbilly. “Is thems the thoughts of cows?” I’d ask the butcher, pointing to the calves’ brains displayed in the front window.

I’ve never made up events, but I’ve always been a big exaggerator. It’s written on my humorist license that I’m allowed to do that.