694 Quotes by David Sedaris

Though harsh in other respects, prison would be an excellent place to learn a foreign language – total immersion, and you’d have the new slang before it even hit the streets.

Most movies, I forget about them while I’m watching them. I go every single day. But I’ve never thought about participating in any way. It’s like being at home all day. It was never a goal to me.

Neighbors would pass, and when they honked I’d remember that I was in my Speedo. Then I’d wrap my towel like a skirt around my waist and remind my sisters that this was not girlish but Egyptian, thank you very much.

Most people, or at least most of the people that I’ve come into contact with, would like to be written about.

I don’t know that it had anything to do with us,” my father said. But how could it have not? Doesn’t the blood of every suicide splash back on our faces?

The landscape is best described as ‘pedestrian hostile.’ It’s pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself in the head.

I’ve never gone on Facebook and am not sure I understand it. The same goes for Twitter. I have someone sending tweets and pretending to be me, but I don’t know why.

Famous people like to choose friends who won’t go around repeating their conversations and details about them.

I spent months searching for some secret code before I realized that common sense has nothing to do with it. Hysteria, psychosis, torture, depression: I was told that if something is unpleasant it’s probably feminine. This encouraged me, but the theory was blown by such masculine nouns as murder, toothache, and rollerblade. I have no problem learning the words themselves, it’s the sexes that trip me up and refuse to stick.