191 Quotes by Deborah Tannen

The one who decides who goes ahead has the upper hand, regardless of who gets to go. This is why many women do not feel empowered by such privileges as having doors held open for them. The advantage of going first through the door is less salient to them than the disadvantage of being granted the right to walk through a door by someone who is framed, by his magnanimous gesture, as the arbiter of the right-of-way.

Many women feel it is natural to consult with their partners at every turn, while many men automatically make more decisions without consulting their partners.

Critiquing relieves you of the responsibility of doing integrative thinking.

But if you parry individuals points - a negative and defensive enterprise - you never step back and actively imagine a world in which a different system of ideas could be true - a positive act.

Life is a matter of dealing with other people, in little matters and cataclysmic ones, and that means a series of conversations.

[T]he seeds of [the Argument Culture] can be found our classrooms, where a teacher will introduce an article or an idea . . . setting up debates where people learn not to listen to each other because they're so busy trying to win the debate.

False dichotomies are often at the heart of discord.

Treating people the same is not equal treatment if they are not the same.

Girls are not accustomed to jockeying for status in an obvious way; they are more concerned that they be liked.