713 Quotes by Demetri Martin

"I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front."

"I am a comedian but it's usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That's strange."

"I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line."

"Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many."

"It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt."

"A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic."

"I think a lot of people who watch TV don't realize when they're watch TV shows and it says 'produced by' and producer, producer... there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It's funny how much you have to worry about as a producer."

"When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, Hold it right there and then shoot them with water gun."

"If only loud people were even half as interesting as they think they are."

"I think my favorite sound is the sound of someone not playing the bongos."