713 Quotes by Demetri Martin

"I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind""

"A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something."

"For some reason cowboy sounds better than cowman."

"I wasn't the class clown, but I was starting to become the "crazy guy" at law school, which is the guy who is not so much "crazy" as "annoying.""

"I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy."

"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."

"I would like to have windshield wipers that do the whole windshield, please."

"A Rubik's cube is equal to a drag queen. It's really colorful, but I don't wanna do it."

"I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. By the fourth week, I found it tedious. I got bored and grew restless. I had no other plan for a job, because from seventh grade on, I had planned on law. So I shifted my focus from classes to extracurricular activities."

"I think it's interesting that cologne rhymes with alone."