393 Quotes by Dennis Miller

Parenting is the easiest job to get - you just have to screw up once and it's yours.

TV evangelists say they don't favor any particular denomination, but I think we've all seen their eyes light up at tens and twenties.

To me, nature always appears more unbalanced than Gary Busey with a clogged Eustachian tube.

I don't know about you, but in my neighborhood, they just opened a Starbucks... IN A STARBUCKS!!!

Branson, Missouri, is Vegas for people with no teeth.

One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.

Now, personally, I am baffled by the concept of racial prejudice. Why hate someone based on the color of their skin when, if you take the time to get to know them as a human being, you can find so many other things to hate them for?

America was founded by puritans and like it or not the anti-pleasure dogma of those buckled-shoed killjoys still pervades our collective unconscious like an I-max shot of Dennis Franz's naked hairy cop ass. Hence, anything enjoyable is automatically forbidden and bad and in our panic to avoid it at all cost we become obsessed with it... like dressing up in a pink teddy and a pair of ugboots and repeatedly screaming the word 'VERBOTEN!' into a conk shell balanced on the back on a miniature pony... Oh, I see.. That would just be me.

At some point you cannot be the kid in the glass bubble in this world. You might've heard throughout your grade school and high school years that it was a safe, nice, warm, fair, feeling place... but it can get brutal when it gets competitive. Especially when you succeed. Watch the detractors come out of the walls at that point.