393 Quotes by Dennis Miller

[T]he man who accused Richard Simmons of slapping him in an airport has dropped the assault charge. Dropped it! Upon hearing the news, Simmons sadly responded, "You mean I'm not going to prison?

Forbes magazine has named Mel Gibson this year's most powerful celebrity. ... Forbes' least powerful celebrity? [Miller displayed the widely circulated image from the Lynndie England photographs of a hooded Iraqi prisoner with wires attached to his outstretched arms] You're looking at him. Screw this guy. ... [He's a] bad guy.

I'd rather be funny than wise.

How do we know for sure that no two snowflakes are the same - we haven't got anybody watching.

Just be good and kind to your children. Not only are they the future of the world, they're the ones who can sign you into the nursing home.

I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.

I love this country for several reasons, not the least of which is that I know I'm allowed to hate it if I want to.

South African schoolchildren set a world record this week by creating the world's longest clothesline. Hey, what do South Africans wash their clothes with? Apar-Tide!

So who's the big red menace nowadays? Cuba. That's it? I'm sorry, but it's hard to whip up any us against them nationalist fervor about a country whose principal export is citizens who can swim.