393 Quotes by Dennis Miller

I don't have credibility, I'm a comedian.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

Hey Deion, Bubbelah - maybe you'd better pay a little less attention to those unfairly Draconian salary caps that only allowed you to acquire four of the five remaining 1932 Aston Martins still in road-worthy condition after you'd paid for life's little necessities like hookers and weed, get your medulla oblongata out of your duodenum for a few milliseconds, and make a tackle or two, okay, Babe?

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks.

When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar's tomb.

In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to.

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.