393 Quotes by Dennis Miller

Companionate Conservatism – Making the streets safer before people are kicked out onto them.

Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He looks like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping through ‘Aida.’

A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

If you’re a man and you have big tits, don’t wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!

So who’s the big red menace nowadays? Cuba. That’s it? I’m sorry, but it’s hard to whip up any us against them nationalist fervor about a country whose principal export is citizens who can swim.

I’m a comedian, for God’s sake. Viewers shouldn’t trust me. And you know what? They’re hip enough to know they shouldn’t trust me. I’m just doing stand-up comedy.

Think of Iraq as “East Korea,” because it was a shoot the cuffs war for the edification of Kim Jong Il to let him know we’ve now circled the SUVs. Iraq was about breaking adhesions, getting lean, staying frosty – in short, getting ready for the big Doug MacArthur Memorial Cage Match to come.

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don’t they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

I don’t need to be born again. I got it right the first time.