393 Quotes by Dennis Miller

South African schoolchildren set a world record this week by creating the world’s longest clothesline. Hey, what do South Africans wash their clothes with? Apar-Tide!

Somebody call Janet Reno – I think I just saw Donato dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!

I’m extremely moved by the loving, caring relationship the President always seems to have with his imaginary son.

Michael Moore simultaneously represents everything I detest in a human being and everything I feel obligated to defend in an American. Quite simply, it is that stupid moron’s right to be that utterly, completely wrong.

I am proof that Einstein’s “e equals m c squared” is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.

It’s ironic that in our culture everyone’s biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.

A recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That’s the second hand, George.

Parenting is the easiest job to get – you just have to screw up once and it’s yours.

When you’re sharing a mud hole with a wildebeest derriere in sub-Saharan Africa, that’s a living hell.