393 Quotes by Dennis Miller

There’s no more delicious irony on the face of the Earth than environmental protesters being led away in plastic handcuffs that have a biodegradability horizon line of, like, 40,000 years.

I’m glad I don’t have a lot of money in the market. And quite frankly, you’d be better off giving your money to a colorblind roulette addict than put it in the stock market.

Detroit’s so bad this year they might lose their bye week.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.

American’s could be any more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel.

I haven’t seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.

I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don’t give a rat’s ass about the clueless.

Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu’s triplets!

I like money. It’s fun to fold and stack and smell and look at. It’s just plain fun to count money, and I often do it in a loud falsetto while wearing nothing but a captain’s hat and a coin changer.