25 Quotes by Dr. Sandra Smith-Hanen

These scenarios are repeated over and over again in daily living. The spouse feels anger, frustration, and confusion. They ask for a different approach, but usually, over years, it ends up in a hopeless state of confusion. AVPs state they love their spouse, but the question remains for them: To what end? The spouses would like their life to be different, but often they end up in stagnation.

In family life, avoidants appear to have a high need for attention. This attention needs to be positive attention, even if they are silent. If expectations or demands are made, they will quickly withdraw.

In the beginning of their relationships, both short term and long term, the AVP seems to welcome assistance. As time progresses, they can see these same helpers as incompetent. This could be from a spouse helper to a therapist. When this occurs, passive–aggressive displays can be apparent, subsequent to distancing from a given relationship.

Avoidants purport to want love, respect, and care in their lives and in their relationships. Yet it is very difficult to even approach the specifics with them. To start, they are unsure of themselves, and they need to communicate some certainty to others.

Overall, AVPs will be the ones to shut down in a relationship. There appear to be various reasons. They may find the spouse does understand them too well and is getting close.

Blame is an operative that is used often by AVPs. They will state blame can make things in life important and real. Hence, blame intensifies reality. Blame is also used as a container for emotion, so that the AVP can manage emotion.

Perfection is their usual standard. AVPs as adults and as children find it very difficult to accept help.