318 Quotes by Dylan Moran

I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid that I am now? I don’t know. Getting taller helps. It spreads out a bit.

You’re not going to learn anything if you’re not prepared to go flat, so I’m very happy to go flat.

Maybe this is just me, but as time goes by, I’m more bewildered by modernity. It gets more unfathomable with every passing year.

I’m Irish, yeah, but I don’t need to get up on a soapbox about it.

I feel very very old. My hair hurts. I have buttocks all over my body and I can’t even smoke properly any more. I don’t have lungs, I just have two poppadoms in here.

Lots of comics try stuff out all year round, which is very sensible – I don’t.

I do think it’s perfectly natural and human to want to invest belief in something. It’s just a facet of who we are. What do I believe in? I believe in the obvious things. The people I’m close to and my work – it’s not complicated.

You know it’s a sad day when your child looks at you and asks ‘Daddy, are these organic?’

I’m not drunk onstage, although I’ve done that a couple of times when I was younger. It’s partly just the way I talk – I talk like somebody in a rocking chair. I’m your 150-year-old grandmother.