318 Quotes by Dylan Moran

I do pauses, pauses work for me.

I’m organised in some ways, but not in others.

I don’t go to different countries to criticise their political system and tell them what they should be doing – what do I know?

If I hadn’t done this I might have ended up digging the roads.

What are children anyway? Midget drunks. They greet you in the morning by kneeing you in the face and talking gibberish. They can’t even walk straight.

I wanted to show off – a simple impulse or drive; in much the same way as some kids wanted to play football, I wanted to show off. Not complicated in that sense, very natural; it just depends on how you want to show off.

EGGS! They’re not a food, they belong in no group! They’re just farts clothed in substance!

I have no qualifications to do anything else and there weren’t any formal application forms you had to fill in for stand-up, so I thought I’d give that a twist.

Your mind is a hive of worms. And worms don’t live in a hive, so it already feels unnatural.