318 Quotes by Dylan Moran

Children are very overprotected now, in lots of ways. We’re very nervous about them. You know, people go, “Don’t go outside! Or inside! Get into the cupboard with some spinach!” When I was a child they’d kick you out and you weren’t expected to come back until there were bats!

I’m actually about as famous as a fourth division footballer from the 70s.

You’re supposed to eat the cows. They’re great big lumbering stupid things – they’d be everywhere if we didn’t eat them.

When did you ever hear of a child not in need? ‘Oh that’s enough jam tart for me, I’ll just go now and clean the toilets.’

The characters can’t be wittier than people are in real life. They have to be character witty.

I enjoy performing, always, but when you’re taping a gig, you’ve got to blank out this mass apparatus of self-consciousness that’s surrounding you, this invitation to drown in self-consciousness. Otherwise you just won’t be able to do anything.

If you're a comic, you don't have a rehearsal room; you rehearse on stage. My main concern is remembering everything. I've written lots of material, but how do you memorise 90 minutes? That's one hell of a long speech. I've always had problems with that.

I don't watch a whole lot of stand up. Mainly I prefer to read writers; they make me laugh the most. Something gets you when you're alone and someone's voice is coming through their work. There's a different quality to it that stays with you a bit more.

I suppose the best comedy shows do have the rock n' roll feeling - if it's a great night, and the roof is raised... yeah, it's a similar feeling, sure.