641 Quotes by Ellen DeGeneres

I see those picketers, and I think you know, if I weren't a loving, non-violent, spiritual person, I would really go over there and grab those signs and smash them over their heads and shove them up their asses. But...I'm a loving, spiritual person.

If you're in a position where you can help other people, there is nothing better in life than helping other people. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

I'm really, really honored because it's times like these that we really need to laugh, ... And look for me next month when I host the North Korean People's Choice Awards.

I've learned 2 things about tv. It's always easier with vodka & SOME OF THE BEST SINGERS ARE FROM THE PHILIPPINES

We went to lunch and were talking about procrastination and the waitress overheard us and she said, 'I have a problem with procrastination, too.' I said 'Really?... Get my sandwich.'

The way I see it... If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you're doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too.

I have a terrible problem with procrastination... a friend told me, "Well, you should go to therapy." And I thought about it, but then I said, "Wait a minute. Why should I pay a stranger to listen to me talk when I can get strangers to pay to listen to me talk?" And that's when I got the idea of touring.

I know everyone is going to say that our leaving is just another bid for attention, but what we've found is that this is a very hard town to be truthful in,

Haters are my motivators