641 Quotes by Ellen DeGeneres

There are people who study germs. I believe they are called Germans.

You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that’s how it’s spelled.

Save a life this Thanksgiving, and join me in starting a new tradition by adopting a turkey instead of eating one through Farm Sanctuary’s Adopt-A-Turkey Project.

If success is really dependent on someone liking you or not liking you, and you have to teeter on that kind of tightrope of how you’re supposed to act and how you’re supposed to look and who you are, it’s just not a healthy way to live.

I watch people’s behavior and notice things. I think that’s why I became a comedian. I notice how stupid the things we do are.

Do we have to know who’s gay and who’s straight? Can’t we just love everybody and judge them by the car they drive?

I get paid very well for an amazing, amazing life. I’m blessed.

I admire people who know they can’t sing. There are so many people out there who can’t sing, but they think they can, so they sing a lot.

We all feel like idiots at one time or another. Even if we feel we’re cool 98 percent of the time, that 2-percent doofus is poised to take over our bodies without any warning.