317 Quotes by Emo Philips

I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

I asked the head musician if I could go onstage during the next break and he said sure. I got two laughs in twenty minutes, and walked out feeling more elated than I had ever felt in my entire life. The glory of that triumph contented me for two full years.