530 Quotes by Erma Bombeck

Mother's words of wisdom: Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!

I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.

Men who have a thirty-six-tele vised-football- games-a- week-habit should be declared legally dead and their estates probated.

Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation's compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another.

Good kids are like sunsets. We take them for granted. Every evening they disappear. Most parents never imagine how hard they try to please us, and how miserable they feel when they think they have failed.

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.

I was trampled to death by a man who believed his luggage would be the first piece off. If he were an experienced traveler, he would know that the first piece of luggage belongs to no one. It's just a dummy suitcase to give everyone hope.

My mind works . . . two boobs never get me a job.

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.