530 Quotes by Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.

The other night he took me to dinner. We were having a wonderful time when he remarked, "You can certainly tell the wives from the sweethearts." I stopped licking the stream of butter dripping down my elbow and replied, "What kind of crack is that?

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

I come from a home where gravy is a beverage.