530 Quotes by Erma Bombeck

I loved you enough to accept you for what you are, not what I wanted you to be.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.

The fact was I didn’t want to look my age, but I didn’t want to act the age I wanted to look either. I also wanted to grow old enough to understand that sentence.

I’m so bored. I went to the food locker yesterday to visit my meat.

There are basic differences between food and clothing. You eat food and wear clothing. Food goes in; clothing goes on. 2. Do not bite anything that will bite back. This includes the dog, other babies, electrical cords and your father when he is watching professional football on television. 3. Washing your face after a meal is not considered cruel and unusual punishment. It won’t do any good to report Mommy and Daddy to the police. 4.

Some emotions don’t make a lot of noise. It’s hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint – like a heartbeat. And pure love – why, some days it’s so quiet, you don’t even know it’s there...

It is my theory you can’t get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.

My mother won’t admit it, but I’ve always been a disappointment to her. Deep down inside, she’ll never forgive herself for giving birth to a daughter who refuses to launder aluminium foil and use it over again.

If compliments were food, I’d have starved to death 28 years ago.