530 Quotes by Erma Bombeck

Why take pride in cooking, when they don’t take pride in eating?

I don’t know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.

The woman who says, ‘My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us’ is a psychopathic liar.

My son would walk to the refrigerator-freezer and fling both doors open and stand there until the hairs in his nose iced up. After surveying $200 worth of food in varying shapes and forms, he would declare loudly, ‘There’s nothing to eat!’

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It’s too controversial.

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: ‘Checkout Time is 18 years.’

Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, “In Case of Fire, Throw This in First.” I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.

Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it’s still snowing.

Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.