530 Quotes by Erma Bombeck

A kitchen without an ironing board? Are you kidding? It’s un-American. It’s like Simon without Garfunkel.

You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody’s home.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, “I used everything you gave me” Erma Bombeck as quoted in A Christmas Blessing.

Bombeck’s Rug Rule: an ugly carpet will last for ever.

We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, ‘He wants his mother.’

Authorities say brain cells may shrink, but they don’t necessarily die. Frankly, I am cheered by the fact that something is shrinking. I’d be even more thrilled if what was shrinking affected my dress size, but you can’t have everything.

Having a delivery covered by Medicare just isn’t going to fly. It’s too risky for a woman to put a baby down and not remember where she left it.

Success is outliving your failures.

A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. “What shall we name the other one?” I smiled. She was not amused.