128 Quotes by Eugene Mirman

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.

You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?

I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And you know, I made a plan with them where they'd come sometime between summer solstice and winter solstice and I would wait.

I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger’s.

Yes, I’m known as America’s most genuine comedian.

Confidence is the key to virtually everything. It’s just deciding that you’re qualified because once you decide you’re qualified, everything else becomes very easy.

6th grade. My dog, Katie, is hit by a car and killed. A mean girl during recess says it committed suicide because it didn’t love me. I cry and swear revenge on mankind.