128 Quotes by Eugene Mirman

I laugh at weird times – at good and bad things alike. I laugh simply when things are incongruous. It’s not necessarily a judgment – as it is noticing the oddity of something.

If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is – he’s the reason you all live underground.

Imagine the wars we would’ve avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?

I like the idea of being sort of withdrawn and mysterious, and what can be more mysterious that someone wearing a trash bag, like a dark trash bag, with eye holes that say “nihilism?” You’d be curious. What’s underneath that? Is it perfect? Or is it broken?

Over the years I’ve received thousands of e-mails looking for guidance. Some have real problems; some talk about monkeys and poo – though those people may also have real problems.

I don’t speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, ‘Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?’ – no problem.

Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It’s just us flexing our Semitic muscles.

People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it’s very easy to be like, yeah, that’s not really comedy.

What do you think you should do if you’re attacked by a bear? Play dead? No – that’s a lie promoted by the bears.