128 Quotes by Eugene Mirman

On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don’t use your scale.

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You’d just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn’t know what words were.

It’s important to prepare audience for the worst in life. People come to forget their problems, and it’s my job, right before I leave, to go, “Don’t forget: You’re going through a divorce and there’s a recession.” It’s always good to end on a pensive note.

I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I’m a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.

It’s easy to sit on a mountaintop and tell people what to do and how to be happy. I have chosen to do that. Not because it’s easy, but for a different reason, which I would reveal, if your mind was ready to handle it, which it isn’t, which is also very convenient for me.

Like if you’re Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger’s.

On a quick side note, I would argue that – much like Samuel L. Jackson – I am not arrogant at all; I’m just actually really, really great.

I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And you know, I made a plan with them where they’d come sometime between summer solstice and winter solstice and I would wait.

In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was ‘talking dirty.’