128 Quotes by Eugene Mirman

What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.

God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.

I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a lady who's going to see that and be like, 'Oh, I was going to get an abortion but now that I realize it hurts I guess I'll just give birth to a child! 'Cause I know that's painless and raising it should be a snap!'

What I think you should do is imagine people in their underwear but then also imagine them crying, and that - that is truly relaxing.

If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.

I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like it is for a rock band.

I like the idea of being sort of withdrawn and mysterious, and what can be more mysterious that someone wearing a trash bag, like a dark trash bag, with eye holes that say "nihilism?" You'd be curious. What's underneath that? Is it perfect? Or is it broken?