16 Quotes by Gail Graham

I sit on the bed, staring sightlessly out the window at nothing. I want to die, and I can’t even do that because Bao is already on his way back to me and I have to be here for him.

I plod sadly through the hours, preparing meals I don’t want, rinsing the dishes and putting them in the dishwasher, collecting the mail and paying the bills. Bao’s psychic presence still remains strong, as does my certainty that he is coming back to me. But as strange as it may sound, it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. I am surrounded by pain, suffocated by pain, breathless with pain. I can’t imagine how it once felt, not to be in this constant, unrelenting pain.

I sit on the bed, staring sightlessly out the window at nothing. I want to die, and I can’t even do that because Bao is already on his way back to me and I have to be here for him. At this point I have no idea about how he’ll look, no picture in my mind, nothing like that. I just know he is coming back.

Bargaining is the third stage of the grief process. So am I bargaining? Am I telling myself that it’s okay for Bao to be dead so long as it’s only temporary? I think about this, walking across the hospital parking lot to my car. But it doesn’t feel right. I’m not bargaining. Besides, knowing that Bao is coming back does not mitigate the unbearable pain of having lost him.

When the first shock of grief wears off, you realize this, and it can be devastating. It’s not just your husband that’s gone. The entire structure and underpinning of your life is gone as well. I suspect this is why many widows and widowers remarry so quickly.

He loved traveling. The night before his surgery, I gave him a special dinner, with bones. Right up to the moment they sedated him, he was enjoying his life.

I undress and creep back into bed. After I turn out the light I just lie there, staring into the darkness, still dazed. That’s when it happens. That’s when I know Bao is coming back to me. He is dead, yes. But he will be reborn, his loving soul in a new, healthy body. He is coming back to me. He is already on his way.