124 Quotes by Garry Shandling

Here’s the thing – I’m single, I haven’t been married, I don’t have kids yet. If I do have kids I would be interested to see them in my life, so here’s a movie for kids and I’m in there and I’m supposed to be kind of funny for kids.

Without comedy as a defense mechanism I wouldn’t be able to survive.

I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don’t know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: ‘I’m hot. I’m on fire. Me, me, me.’ You know. ‘Help me, put me out.’ Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?

Yes, I’m a nice man and I enjoy babies. I’m a sensitive guy. I held a baby the other day and it was the first time either of us cried.

I’ve never had anyone put on a puppet show to convince me of anything. And I’ve done a lot of stuff. I don’t know that I would put the puppets on when I was pitching a show. This was the head of the studio putting a puppet show on. And I’ll tell you, he wasn’t bad.

Which is, I’m an optimist that two people can be together to work out their conflicts. And that commitment, I think, might be what love is, because they both grow from their relationship.

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

I’m dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

I’m too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don’t know.