1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

They call it the 'American Dream' because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

The US Army has announced that although it is true they performed mind-destroying drug tests on hundreds of soldiers in the 1960s, none of the victims have been promoted beyond the rank of lieutenant colonel.

Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't see

Your dog thinks you're a god. Your cat thinks the dog's an asshole.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.

So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Not so you'd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Now there is another phrase I dearly love. That is a true oxymoron if I've ever heard one: "Civil War." Do you think anybody in this country could ever really have a civil war? "Say, pardon me?" (shoots gun) "I'm awfully sorry. Awfully sorry."