1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

I actually was a writer who had the ability to perform his own work as opposed to a comedian who wrote his own material. So that really made me happy and changed my whole perspective.

Things I wonder about the FBI’s list of the “Ten Most Wanted” criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, “I made it, Bruno. I’m finally on the list”?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.

Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don’t get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. Doesn’t that violate some law of physics?

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it’s trying to save its body.

I’m 63 now. But that’s just 17 Celsius.

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.