1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

I’ll bet there aren’t too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.

That’s the whole meaning of life, isn’t it? Trying to find a place for your stuff.

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American – you know, you grow.

If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. – The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. – Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans.

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.

And this should go without saying. That’s why I’m going to say it: Drinking and driving don’t mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good.

I love people as I meet them one by one. People are just wonderful as individuals. You see the whole universe in their eyes if you look carefully. But as soon as they begin to group, as soon as they begin to clot, when there are five of them or ten or even groups of smallest two, they begin to change, they sacrifice the beauty of the individual for the sake of the group.

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.

The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman’s rate.