1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.

Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

Israeli murderers are called “commandos,” Arab commandos are called “terrorists.”

Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: ‘I’m saving food!’ Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: ‘I’m saving my life!’

Movies and television don’t make you violent; all they do is channel the violence more creatively.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.

Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don’t kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing.

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!