1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”

I don’t like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that’s their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.

What do dogs do on their day off?; Can’t lie around – that’s their job!

If people stand in a circle long enough, they’ll eventually begin to dance.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

In Hawaii they say, “aloha.” That’s a nice one, It means both “hello” and “good-bye” Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don’t know whether you’re coming or going.

I profess no belief in God, which by definition is true, especially if we take the accepted definition of God. But to be an atheist is to also have a belief, and have a system, and I don’t know that I like that either.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It’s called assohol.