1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

And, of course, the funniest food: “kumquats”. I don’t even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.

Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It’s true. Well, they don’t want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don’t want some guy go to hell and be sick.

Mother’s milk leads to everything.

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don’t have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you’d make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.

Don’t confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything’s gonna be all right.

I’m sure Hitler was great with his family.

Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don’t ask for our money back.

I don’t believe there’s any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can’t completely ignore.