1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

The Baby Boomers: whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: “Gimme that! It’s mine!”

Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can’t be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won’t be children anymore, so blow me!

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ‘27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.

They mention that it’s a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don’t care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport.

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it’s just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.

I don’t vote. We’re led to believe we’re free through the exercise of ineffective freedoms.

Have you noticed when you wear a hat for a long time it feels like it’s not there anymore? And then when you take it off it feels like it’s still there?