1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

In Baltimore it’s 6:42!

If a lobster didn’t look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water.

Sex always has consequences. When Hitler’s mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.

If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can’t lift it?

I was looking in the mirror the other day and I realized I haven’t changed much since I was in my twenties. The only difference is I look a whole lot older now.

Y’ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it’s because all the coats are on the bed.

Religion is the worst thing that ever happened to mankind – the ironic part is that it’s presented as a good thing, and its effect is absolutely catastrophic to individuals and to societies.

Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

People have material needs, but you don’t need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don’t need four hundred varieties of mustard. This is what I call too many choices. There are too many choices in America.