1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

Matt 13:57. Then Jesus told them, ‘A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his own family.’ The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard.

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it’s a continuous process.

I don’t have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.

People always tell me “Have a nice day.” Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

The violence of the Left is symbolic, the injuries are not intended. The violence of the Right is real – directed at people, designed to cause injuries. Vietnam, nuclear weapons, police out of control are intentional forms of violence. The violence from the Right is aimed directly at people and the violence from the Left is aimed at institutions and symbols.

The symphony orchestra had played poorly, so the conductor was in a bad mood. That night he beat his wife – because the music hadn’t been beautiful enough.

Obviously, there are people who constrict themselves and build walls around themselves, whether it’s from a moral standpoint or a patriotic standpoint, or just plain old conformity, and who therefore live in those little prisons, and when things breach those walls, it’s shocking for them.