1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

I don’t get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I consider them to be symbols and I leave symbols to the symbol minded.

That invisible hand of Adam Smith’s seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.

I don’t have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he’d grab a little something on the way to work.

A scary dream makes your heart beat faster. Why doesn’t the part of your brain that controls your heartbeat realize that another part of your brain is making the whole thing up? Don’t these people communicate?

Never approach a crying woman entering a sports bar carrying a harpoon gun.

Politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don’t.

I make fun of people who are religious, because they’re fundamentally weak.