1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other’s minds, this would be a horror show.

If God created everything, he’s got a serious quality control problem.

You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.

You can’t be the fastest gun in town forever. There comes a time when you’re not the golden boy, and you have to go off somewhere and figure yourself out.

Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.

I’ve never owned a telescope, but it’s something I’m thinking of looking into.

There’s this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn’t want you to do, and you’ll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.