1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

No, there’s no God, but there might be some sort of an organizing intelligence, and I think to understand it is way beyond our ability. It’s certainly not a judgmental entity. It’s certainly not paternalistic and all these qualities that have been attributed to God.

My mother would say, ‘Why are you always playing alone?’ And I would say, ‘I’m not playin’, Ma. I’m fuckin’ serious!

People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it’s really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn’t want you to know.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.

I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I’m expressing them.

Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We’re not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast.

I’m kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.

If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father’s, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence.

I quit school in ninth grade, even though I was good at the studies. I knew I didn’t need school for what I wanted.