1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you’re screwed because it’s all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain’t in it.

I couldn’t commit suicide if my life depended on it.

No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.

I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

As far as I’m concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that’s worth believing.

Political discourse has been reduced to “Where’s the beef?” “Read my lips,” and “Make my day.” Where are the assassins when we really need them?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

At 68 I’m every age I ever was. I always think of that. I’m not just 68. I’m also 55 and 21 and three. Oh especially three.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.