1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

If you’re looking for self-help, why would you read a book written by somebody else?

Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky.

Twat is twat and that is that.

Sun worship is fairly simple. There’s no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don’t have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.

People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.

The things they don’t tell you in schools these days, geez. Have a look at your owners. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don’t. You have no choice; you have owners. They own you. They own everything.

Granola didn’t sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.

Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend – I didn’t bother with him.