1,246 Quotes by George Carlin

McDonald’s breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.

Humor is based on surprise, and surprise is a milder way of saying shock. It’s surprise that makes the joke.

Christian Deodorant: “Thou Shalt Not Smell”

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

I’ve set my own rules to live by. The first one is: ‘Never believe ANYthing the government says.’

If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it’s hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?

I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I’m free to dream. So there is some compulsion involved. But the dividend I get is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld.

Let’s not have a double standard. One standard will do just fine.

If someone loves you and they leave and don’t come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.